Blah

Is still feeling pretty blah.  I've just been in a funk lately and can't seem to get out of it.  I think I am missing my usual trip to WV...so I may have to plan a trip.

Fog

I haven't had the best time lately and I knew this would happen, but it's still hard to go from feeling like I'm moving in the right direction to being back to where I was in the very beginning.  Considering that I've only been doing counseling and having a more focused intent on fixing myself for just a little bit it shouldn't be surprising...but I'm still not thrilled w/ it.

I've been dealing with being sick off and on which is pretty typical for me in the Fall, but this time it's upset some plans that I was really looking forward to.  I had asked my mom and dad to come and visit me, but ended up getting sick right before they were to come so I had to cancel because I didn't want to get them sick.  I was dealing with this ok, until Colt had to go to work and I ended up by myself for almost 2 solid days.  As the course of these days has gone, I have just felt myself slipping farther and farther away from the "better" that I had and it's just really bumming me out. :( 

Another thing is that because I've been sick, I've missed some church and I can definitely feel where that is missing.  It's very easy for people to rely on God when things are going bad and then when everything is resolved they forget to keep relying on God...I don't think I was necessarily not remembering to rely on God, but being sick I've missed church and being super busy when I wasn't sick I didn't study my Bible like I should and I can really tell it.  I went to Wednesday night church last night which helped, but I'm just sad and in a bad mood and after feeling pretty good I realize how much I dislike the as I term it "wretched" feeling I have inside when my depression and anxiety run my life instead of God and me. 

I'm hoping that this feeling and this "fog" will go away soon and I will again have an up day, but I realize I still have a long way to go and there are some things I still really need to learn.  One main thing is that I need to figure out how to get back to the good when I find myself drifting into the bad.  It's easy for people (and myself) to just say pray to God and it will be fixed...and I do believe in the power of prayer, but a person can pray endlessly but if they don't work at it or don't believe in what they are praying then nothing is really going to change.  God does rule in our lives, but God still gave us free will...so I need to figure out how to will myself out of the fog.

Good Weekend!

I had such a great weekend!  Friday I went out with Erin and Kim and went to the mall (and of course I went to Sephora and got some makeup...how can you not?!?!) and then to eat at the Olive Garden which was so yummy!  Saturday, Colt and I finally got to spend some quality time together while Hunter got to spend time with his Gram.  We decided to just stay in and Colt made us steaks and baked potatoes and we FINALLY watched the 3rd Terminator (Colt said that in order to watch the new one w/ Christian Bale, I had to watch all of the others first and we've had the 3rd one for like 6 months from Netflix) and watched the old school Robin Hood w/ Kevin Costner...which I had never seen before and I really liked it.  Sunday, went to church and then went to a 31 party w/ some of the girls from church.  I could have spent so much money, but I just couldn't decide on one thing...so I think I may have to have a party!!!

It was such a great weekend spending time with good Christian friends and being able to spend some much needed quality time w/ my hubby.  I pray that this week goes well also.  I have my first counseling session tomorrow and am looking forward to keeping things on the right track.

"Fixing Me"

So, I shared a bit of what I've been going through well now I'm going to share some of what I'm trying to do to help myself.  One, and most important, I am trying to refocus my relationship w/ God mainly trying to constantly make myself focus on the fact that it's the most important relationship and through God the rest of my life will fall back into place.  I'm trying to spend more time with my church family so that I surround myself w/ Christians who will lift me up.  I'm also tying to not just go through the "motion" at church but really put something in it.

On the other side of this "fixing me" thing, are my meds and counseling.  I spoke w/ the Dr and he agreed that increasing my meds would be beneficial and that going into counseling would probably help me a great deal.  I have already increased my meds and I have my first counseling session on Tuesday and I'm looking forward to it.  The counselor I'm going to is Christian based which was a very important thing in finding someone to go to...plus she doesn't charge too much...lol.  Counseling can be expensive. 

I kind of feel like I'm getting more on the right path and perhaps I will finally come out of this "fog" that I have been in for so so many years.  I'm just so tired of being sad about everything all the time and never having any hope in anything...that is so not a way to live.

Not Sure....

I've tried having a blog before and kept up with it for a while, but then really let it go.  I didn't feel that anyone read it so I felt that it was superfluous.  Because it seems that venting helps others, I'm going to try it as well so I'm trying to "blog" again to perhaps aid myself in trying to create a better life.

Since I really don't think many people if any will read this, I'm going to be extremely honest considering how secretive I usually am.  Maybe by just putting my problems out there for "anyone" to see will help me to deal with them in better way.  I'll start off by saying that for over 6 years I have dealt with moderate to severe depression and anxiety and after I had Hunter a bad case of postpartum depression.  For those who do not know a great deal about depression, it is when the typical sadness that someone experiences when say a death in the family occurs lasts longer than the usual time.  This sadness can last anywhere from over two weeks since the event happened to lasting for years.  Without help from medication or counseling/therapy many people do not recover from this mental illness and lead very limited lives.

So here's a little explanation of my depression and anxiety...because each case is different.  I don't know what exactly made me sad to begin with...whether it was the fact that I wouldn't be able to go home to visit my family very much after I got married or just a suppressed problem finally surfacing, but I just could not stop being sad about everything and anything.  I no longer felt joy in anything and all I wanted to do was cry or sleep.  I finally realized there was something wrong and sought help when I read an article that a cancer survivor wrote and I thought, if only I could have her life...immediately I thought what is wrong w/ me?!?!  She has had cancer and I want her life...there is just something not right here.  So I went to my regular medical Dr and began my journey through many different types of antidepressants in hopes of trying to "cure" my depression.

Lately, I've come to an impasse where my meds are just not cutting it anymore and I have realized that I need more help because my problems are starting to consume my life.  I am going to meet with a Christian counselor on 9-21 and I'm hoping that this will be a good addition to my medication.  I've sought out a Christian counselor specifically because I know that God will take care of me as long as I have faith in Him...with my depression and anxiety fogging up my outlook, that is something that I sometimes have a hard time remembering.