Fog

I haven't had the best time lately and I knew this would happen, but it's still hard to go from feeling like I'm moving in the right direction to being back to where I was in the very beginning.  Considering that I've only been doing counseling and having a more focused intent on fixing myself for just a little bit it shouldn't be surprising...but I'm still not thrilled w/ it.

I've been dealing with being sick off and on which is pretty typical for me in the Fall, but this time it's upset some plans that I was really looking forward to.  I had asked my mom and dad to come and visit me, but ended up getting sick right before they were to come so I had to cancel because I didn't want to get them sick.  I was dealing with this ok, until Colt had to go to work and I ended up by myself for almost 2 solid days.  As the course of these days has gone, I have just felt myself slipping farther and farther away from the "better" that I had and it's just really bumming me out. :( 

Another thing is that because I've been sick, I've missed some church and I can definitely feel where that is missing.  It's very easy for people to rely on God when things are going bad and then when everything is resolved they forget to keep relying on God...I don't think I was necessarily not remembering to rely on God, but being sick I've missed church and being super busy when I wasn't sick I didn't study my Bible like I should and I can really tell it.  I went to Wednesday night church last night which helped, but I'm just sad and in a bad mood and after feeling pretty good I realize how much I dislike the as I term it "wretched" feeling I have inside when my depression and anxiety run my life instead of God and me. 

I'm hoping that this feeling and this "fog" will go away soon and I will again have an up day, but I realize I still have a long way to go and there are some things I still really need to learn.  One main thing is that I need to figure out how to get back to the good when I find myself drifting into the bad.  It's easy for people (and myself) to just say pray to God and it will be fixed...and I do believe in the power of prayer, but a person can pray endlessly but if they don't work at it or don't believe in what they are praying then nothing is really going to change.  God does rule in our lives, but God still gave us free will...so I need to figure out how to will myself out of the fog.